Recap: It's been a minute since I sat down and blogged about anything. Life, as it tends to do, got in the way of me having the time, energy or semblance of thought to construct another diatribe. I have been living, for the past four months, in Las Vegas. It has been a rewarding, challenging and overall life changing experience thus far. My wife and I live in a comfortable 28 foot 5th wheel. We have settled into a world that is diametrically opposite from the rural southern landscape we were raised on. I feel like we have adapted well, learned the ropes, the lay of the land if you will. We have found something good.
I'd love to write a nice little blog about how things are going. They ARE going quite well. I am enjoying life in a general sense very much. But this blog is not about that. This blog goes in a very different direction today. It's more personal and more vulnerable than I'm used to being. The point in bringing up Las Vegas is that moving from place to place can change your outlook, your sense of humor and even some of your long held social views. But, it can't change the inherent things you have to contend with internally. And I have had some deep rooted issues for some time now that I tend to dismiss or bury under my mostly positive outlook. These issues deal with anger, a sort of subversive angst I have always carried.
I cannot, for the life of me, tell you where it comes from. I just know that its been a part of me in some way for some time. And it is, among other nasty things, harsh, remorseless and cold. It bites, stings, and it tears down. It has no conscience, no moral compass. It exists to feed off me, the self proclaimed "good guy". The way it starts is something I can't explain because I never do see it coming. It's like a slow burn that finally tapers off and causes mass collateral damage. There's this excellent Nick Drake song where he refers to the beast within himself as "kidding that he's just a teddy bear". I totally relate to that.
I have recently blown up in the face of the simplest things, common happenings, annoying elements in typical conversations. I become jaded to a point of seemingly no return. Then it all goes back to honky dory, to positive vibes and good thoughts. I'm not sure why, after all these years, it has started to become more apparent. I am frankly embarrassed that it has found its way into my social life. Trying to explain to people who think of you as a well mannered, laid back guy why you suddenly burst into a rage is one of the more difficult beers you'll ever talk over.
And the issue is I don't really have an answer. I'm not really angry at anyone or anything. I'm just, from time to time, frustrated in a way that confounds me, that doesn't promote maturity. In fact, its very much a regression if you ask me, a decline in reason. I have a lot to be thankful for, A LOT. Its just I think some of the ghosts of time passed unknown must be visiting my nervous system. Because at times, I feel like my rib cage is quarantining a riot squad.
I know deep down its all stupid, all part of the male psyche, something I'm sure God allowed for when I was put together. I'm also quite sure it serves some kind of purpose. I just don't know what that could be. I certainly haven't found a good use for it. Maybe its a side effect of passion and drive, something with a little esoteric depth to it. I don't know. I just know I don't like the loss of mental facility that comes with it, the darkness that imbues the message it conveys. For reasons of sanity, I tell myself its just human nature. But that's a cop out and I know it.
This isn't one of those clever blogs where I have a solution at the end. It's one where I know there are people who relate, therefore I share. If you're in that camp, why don't we make a promise to ourselves and one another that we will work on these things and try to become better people. If you will, I will! Okay? Deal?
Embody love,
Max
"Do you think you can cope? You figured me out?
That I'm lost and I'm hopelessI'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season"-Matchbox Twenty
