Why I'm Debating Less And Less......

I often find myself drawn into arguments that I've no business investing my time. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm ill prepared. It's the hard truth that my attempts at making sense or using logic typically recieve a cold shoulder. People don't like intelligent discussion. They employ limited intelligence in forming an opinion and then use that lack of support in discussion. The longer they've lived with this self absorbed truth, the more difficult it becomes to have a rational conversation. They end up offended that anyone dare challenge their preconcieved notions about the matter at hand, which is exactly what they are, mere notions. I end up looking like the bad guy, the pretentious, talkative ruin of whatever it is they're attempting to say. It all ends in a mess of heated discourse, each participant more frustrated than before. And I find myself silently infuriated that I got caught up in the wave.


So I've begun to ration my arguments for the subjects I feel are truly, truly important. This election season saw me go to town on a number of issues: my Libertarian political beliefs, my idea that my faith and other peoples private lives didn't need to have any correlation, my distrust of both major candidates, my disgust with organizations like the ACLU and PETA, the fact that gay marriage doesn't bother me a bit, my annoyance with both the far left and extreme right, the ineptitude of Michelle Bachman, my hatred for the very notion of gun control, and about four hundred other issues.

I had people on both sides of the aisle criticize me for for a number of reasons: How can you be a Libertarian and have Christian values? How could you possibly be okay with gay marriage? Why do you cuss here and there in your blog posts? How can you be fiscally conservative when people are starving? What's wrong with Obama? What's wrong with Romney? What do you mean Sarah Palins not intelligent? You're in your twenties and you don't know a thing. What do you think God thinks about your politics? How is PETA bad? Do you hate animals? What do you mean evolution and faith are connected? (The list goes on) I realized I was spending way too much time defending myself.


Sometimes we spend so much needless time trying make people understand, we don't get to enjoy our individuality. The most surprising discovery I made these last few months was just how ill informed large portions of our population are. When you have politicians who can't explain a five point plan, you know you've got issues. When you've got Christian ministers that don't realize just how different the King James version of the Bible is from the previous translation, you've got some red flags. When atheists give you crap for being sure there's a God and then turn around and say they're sure there isn't, you've got some severe hypocrisy. I got tired of the noise. I retreated into my own mind a bit, where it was quiet. I found out I kind of like having a distinct set of opinions. I rather enjoy not being everyones favorite brand of human. If that's pretentious, sue me. I sleep like a baby at night.

The Good, The Bad...And Me

Recap: It's been a minute since I sat down and blogged about anything. Life, as it tends to do, got in the way of me having the time, energy or semblance of thought to construct another diatribe. I have been living, for the past four months, in Las Vegas. It has been a rewarding, challenging and overall life changing experience thus far. My wife and I live in a comfortable 28 foot 5th wheel. We have settled into a world that is diametrically opposite from the rural southern landscape we were raised on. I feel like we have adapted well, learned the ropes, the lay of the land if you will. We have found something good.

I'd love to write a nice little blog about how things are going. They ARE going quite well. I am enjoying life in a general sense very much. But this blog is not about that. This blog goes in a very different direction today. It's more personal and more vulnerable than I'm used to being. The point in bringing up Las Vegas is that moving from place to place can change your outlook, your sense of humor and even some of your long held social views. But, it can't change the inherent things you have to contend with internally. And I have had some deep rooted issues for some time now that I tend to dismiss or bury under my mostly positive outlook. These issues deal with anger, a sort of subversive angst I have always  carried.

I cannot, for the life of me, tell you where it comes from. I just know that its been a part of me in some way for some time. And it is, among other nasty things, harsh, remorseless and cold. It bites, stings, and it tears down. It has no conscience, no moral compass. It exists to feed off me, the self proclaimed "good guy". The way it starts is something I can't explain because I never do see it coming. It's like a slow burn that finally tapers off and causes mass collateral damage. There's this excellent Nick Drake song where he refers to the beast within himself as "kidding that he's just a teddy bear". I totally relate to that.

I have recently blown up in the face of the simplest things, common happenings, annoying elements in typical conversations. I become jaded to a point of seemingly no return. Then it all goes back to honky dory, to positive vibes and good thoughts. I'm not sure why, after all these years, it has started to become more apparent. I am frankly embarrassed that it has found its way into my social life. Trying to explain to people who think of you as a well mannered, laid back guy why you suddenly burst into a rage is one of the more difficult beers you'll ever talk over.

And the issue is I don't really have an answer. I'm not really angry at anyone or anything. I'm just, from time to time, frustrated in a way that confounds me, that doesn't promote maturity. In fact, its very much a regression if you ask me, a decline in reason. I have a lot to be thankful for, A LOT. Its just I think some of the  ghosts of time passed unknown must be visiting my nervous system. Because at times, I feel like my rib cage is quarantining a riot squad.

I know deep down its all stupid, all part of the male psyche, something I'm sure God  allowed for when I was put together. I'm also quite sure it serves some kind of purpose. I just don't know what that could be. I certainly haven't found a good use for it. Maybe its a side effect of passion and drive, something with a little esoteric depth to it. I don't know. I just know I don't like the loss of mental facility that comes with it, the darkness that imbues the message it conveys. For reasons of sanity, I tell myself  its just human nature. But that's a cop out and I know it.

This isn't one of those clever blogs where I have a solution at the end. It's one where I know there are people who relate, therefore I share. If you're in that camp, why don't we make a promise to ourselves and one another that we will work on these things and try to become better people. If you will, I will! Okay? Deal?

Embody love,
Max

"Do you think you can cope? You figured me out?

That I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season"-Matchbox Twenty

Why Intelligence Is Useless....

I think I have come to the conclusion that all this knowledge I have attained, all these facets of growth and learning that I use to guard myself, that like minded pretentious people use to guard themselves, is, as I get older, becoming more and more useless. I think somewhere between digging into books by people I admire and forcing myself to read those by people I despise, I have learned far too much, become so jaded by the naivety of society and of the people that share my convictions and beliefs, that I've given up on any semblance of hope for the world I live in.

If that sounds sad or selfish, I'll be the first to agree. I'd gladly give back what I know to be that stupid, grammatically challenged ten year old from Georgia. He had faith in people. He looked forward to things. The twenty five  year old me has no faith in people and mildly enjoys the prospect of things to come. He stews in his sarcasm, dreads the next caffeine fueled Facebook debate. It's all a cycle, a vicious cycle of my intellect vs your intellect. The issue isn't who's smarter. It's that it doesn't even matter. 

The wisest of men often die the greatest of fools. I never understood that growing up, discovering Flannery O'Conner in high school, openly rejecting Mark Twain in college. I could not comprehend that intelligence had this epic downside, this sort of enveloping darkness to it. You come to a point where there's not someone who's got a last confession about the real world left. You come to a point where adults you once assumed were brilliant become painfully stupid satires of your youthful concept. That's where the depression of reality becomes all too real, where you'd give anything to be ignorant, to be simple. 

Your brain, my brain, is a prison. And all we have to fight it with is love.

The truth is that love is beyond intelligence. It seeks something of us not taught in a school or a television special...or a book. Love gratifies the ignorant and informed alike. None of us are immune to that possible glimmer of hope that it provides. That's why we need it, why we should strive to embody it. Our best minds cannot decipher love as a concept. We, ourselves, are clueless. I think I can live with that if it means there's one thing I can't get enough of, that attacks my darkness with light.

Love is a lot of things, the wife sleeping next to me, the sound of "Master Of Puppets" in shitty headphones, miles of beach, newborn babies, the taste of blood after a good fight, broken people lifted up....and maybe the way cracked neon looks in the darkness of the Nevada desert. Old things can become new. Water can be turned to wine. And for all the distress my knowledge brings me, love, in the form of a good nights sleep, will detoxify today's cold reality so that tomorrows can be less of a drain.

Figure it out, smartass.

The Dark Knight: A Spoiler Free Review

We waited four years for an epic conclusion to Chris Nolans Batman pantheon, four years of curiousity, debate and fanboy speculation. The wait is over. I attended the midnight premiere last night. I was actually supposed to wait until my buddy got back into town to see it....but alas, the pressure became too great. I caved. Sorry sir.

The good news for Dark Knight fans is that this movie, while not as easily digestable as your typical summer blockbuster, has the wonderful effect of meaning more to the viewer as they have time to ponder it. It is a different animal from The Dark Knight, which was a study in both nihilism and perserverance. Rises is more of an exclamation point, a final war for Gotham to face before the caped crusader can finish his work. How that work gets finished and who we say goodbye to will not get spoiled here. I would recommend not reading Wikipedia or the newer reviews. They give away far too much.

Tom Hardy's Bane is a visceral, tactical barbarian, an evil, driven mastermind of remarkable scale. To compare him to Heath Ledgers Joker is not only unfair, its completely beside the point. Where the Joker was all about testing Batmans morality, driving him ever closer to the edge, Bane is something else, a sort of "final boss" at the end of the game, one who's skill as a fighter greatly exceeds Batmans. 

Anne Hathaways Catwoman (we never hear this title used) is a classic femme fa tale, sexy, deceptive and lethal. Miss Hathaway is a revelation here, dodging the camp of Michelle Pheiffers fun but unrealistic portrayal in Batman Returns. She embodies the so called 99%, an angst for Wallstreet her main pet peeve. In a film where bleakness is the norm, she provides the occasional one liner to keep the proceedings on an even keel. 

And more so than ever, this movie is about Batman, about Bruce Waynes endless war within himself. Bruces ongoing dialogue about Batmans relevance and importance is at the forefront. Bale is as exemplary an actor as ever. Whereas he rightfully took a backseat to Ledgers Joker in The Dark Knight, playing the straight man to the late actors wild card,  he's the main focus here, a man torn and beaten from years of service to his city, pondering his destiny and caring less and less about his own mortality. 

His triad of worthy father figures, Alfred, Lucius and Jim Gordon, are, for once, at a loss for words. They, in the face of this films events, finally seem to have run out of  sage wisdom. Jim Gordon, above all, is a shell of his former self. Gary Oldman rings every last nerve ending out of him here. Micheal Caine shows Alfred in a light we've never seen him, completely vulnerable and angst ridden. It's glorious to behold. Freemans Fox is still our favorite intellectual badass, though for once, he looks afraid.

And I was afraid, more times than not during this fim,  that it would veer off course and ruin the trilogy as Coppola did with the final Godfather film. Rest assured, it did not. In fact, the more I've had time to let it sink in, the more the films briliance has manifested itself. It's not an easy movie, not the instant gratification lesser minds may crave. What it is is a thoughtful send off for these much beloved characters. Enjoy.

What I'm Listening To, Reading And Watching

This is my occasional blog where I list what I've been listening to, watching and reading lately. It's my excuse when a gnarly case of writers block ensues. So, in case you're interested, here's the rundown for summer....

Music:

Paul Simon, Graceland- It's such an iconic album. This was a very well produced record. I am in love with the lyrics to "The Boy In The Bubble". Simon was really good at sad words married to joyful noise.

The Beach Boys, That's Why God Made The Radio- A nearly flawless endless summer album. I love that Brian Wilson and Mike Love got their shit together and did something worth its weight in gold.

Slayer, Seasons In The Abyss-Probably my favorite metal album by anyone. It's just really dark and well structured. To this day, it holds up.

The Louvin Brothers, Satan Is Real-This is one of those epic country gospel outings from the late 50's. The harmonies are ridiculous and the production is warm and lived in.

Kid Rock, Born Free-The whole album is a breezy, beer tinged ode to Tom Petty and Bob Seger. It's a great desert drive soundtrack.

Dave Matthews, Stand Up- I just dig this one...not a lot to say.

John Mayer, Born And Raised-Sounds like Neil Young and Joni Mitchell had a love child. This era of Mayer may be his best yet.

Movies:

Thin Red Line- I like Malick. It's a tone poem, the usual 400 shots of nature.

Batman Begins: Nolans first outing with the Bat. Love it as much as I did the first time I saw it.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape: Underrated film for sure. I tell people that everyone should see this movie before they die.

Jonestown: A Documentary-Fascinating, heart breaking and loooong.

Books:

Ernest Hemingway, True At First Light- He's the best of his era, uncomplicated on the surface and yet deep when you let it sink in.

Willie Nelson, Life And Other Dirty Jokes- Nelsons a great storyteller. His jokes are actually really dirty and memorable. I've stolen a few.

Jonathen Franzen, The Corrections- I'm not done yet but its pretty entertaining thus far.

Flannery O'Conner, The River - No one dealt with racisms ugliness better than O'Conner. Her short stories illuminate just how satanic the old South could be. 

An Interview With Max Barber

The following questions come from the Proust Questionnaire, a wonderful little interview that sums people up in a few words. If you want to, copy and answer them yourself.

What is your current state of mind? 

Agitated, excited, pensive and reactionary. I'm a walking contradiction this month.

What is your greatest fear?

Losing my sense of self deprecation. I pride myself on a lack of ego.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Sometimes I say the wrong thing at the worst time. I have a very healthy sense of dark humor. The problem is that not everyone understands the concept of irony. Sarcasm and dead baby jokes have gotten me in a pickle or two.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?T

Ignorance. I think my biggest pet peeve is people with these big opinions about things they've never taken the time to understand. Whether its religion or politics, it seems all these people have such concrete aversions to everything. 

Which living person do you most admire?

Paul Thomas Anderson restored my faith in the film industry. There Will Be Blood  floored me. It made me want to write, to create. He's really set the bar high, Chris Nolan as well. The Dark Knight was a total departure from typical comic book adaptions. He made Batman dark again.

Which living person do you most despise?

It's a tie between Pat Robertson and Paul Washer, two men who, in their own special way, are killing Christianity's relevance in modern culture. They're heretical to me...and dangerous to the faith I claim as my own.

On what occasion do you lie?

I lie mostly to myself. I say "that will get done tomorrow". It never does.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My wife. She's the one person I can confide in without any apprehension. She knows me in a very surreal kind of way, almost telekinetic. We've been together for a long time. It's so nice to have someone understand you without you having to say a word. 

When and where were you happiest?

Friday nights as a kid sleeping over at my Granny's house. The routine was frozen pizza, ice cream and a movie from Blockbuster. I'd go back, man...in a second, I'd go back.

Which talent would you most like to have?

There's a part of me that would love to have been a composer. I mean that in the sense of Randy Newman or Warren Zevon. They took their cues from Stravinsky and Gershwin and they did something fresh and smart. There is a cinematic quality to their music.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I worry about stupid things. It's a hereditary thing. I'd love to just enjoy life.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Graduating from college and actually having learned something. I had some of the best English professors in the nation. They challenged me, pushed me to go outside the box as a writer. I miss class, honestly. There's always more to learn.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would it be?

I'll use the Ronnie Van Zant answer. I'd be a bird because there's nothing more free than that.

What is your favorite occupation?

Writing, writing, writing. Give me a Red Bull and three hours. I'll tell you a story.

Who are your favorite writers?

Flannery O'Conner, Ernest Hemingway, CS Lewis, Emma Goldman, Don Miller, Jack Kerouac, Steinback, Cormack MCarthy, Mickey Spillane and Stephen King. 

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Probably Frank Castle. He's more of an anti-hero, but his conquest is just. I absolutely love The Punisher. I think Frank Castle is the closest we come to reality in the comic book universe. After that, its definetly Bruce Wayne. I'm such a fan boy. Frank Millers Batman is so dark and esoteric. You can really get lost in those stories.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Johnny Cash, Rich Mullins, Theodore Roosevelt. 

What are your favorite names?

Weiland, Hetfield, Scarlet, Ryman....all rejected possible baby names when we have some.

What is your greatest regret?

Not sitting at my Grandmothers bedside when she passed. I really wish I'd manned up and been there. I miss her. I think being there would have left things feeling complete, full circle. It's something I think about quite often.

How would you like to die?

 On the deck of a Pontoon boat in the late afternoon...whilst sleeping, with Ryan Adams Heartbreaker playing in the background. 

What is your motto?

"Think for yourself. Educate yourself. Live for other people"

The Issue Of Hate

I have long been an advocate of loving people without limitations, knowing that even the hardest of hearts has a crack somewhere in its frame. I really have always believed that, the idea that there is good in everyone, that people of every background and culture, whatever its atmospheric dilemma or challenge, has some modicum of love within them. I have pressed that point in conversation, preached it to friends who felt vitriole and angst for others. My solution was the ever popular "love wins out". Despite the events of this previous week, which felt both Godless and harrowing, I still feel that way. But, I will admit, I felt tested, tested like Job in the Bible and tested like the old man in Hemingways The Old Man And The Sea.

I don't like being tested. I never did well with tests in school. The timing, the memorization, it all made the work at hand feel forced. I never felt like I learned anything. Whatever I have learned came from reading books, books by smart people, people who also hated taking tests. Those people went on to write books that tested the testers, bucked the system, took a swing at the status quo. For them, the test was life, the biggest of them all, a test with an unknown time limit and a million ways to screw up.

This past week, I was reminded that life is "the test". And its a complicated test, where you're being asked to answer different questions at various intervals.The question for me, this go round, was could I truly embody my own principle of loving everyone? Could I rise above the easy way out, to hate passionately?

The answer is yes and no. At some point this week, a complete stranger threw a wrench into mine and my families life, a wrench that none of us expected or saw coming. It wasn't personal. It was thrown by a desperate, selfish individual who took advantage of a situation that presented itself to them. In the process, I and my wife have felt like prisoners in our own home, afraid of venturing outside the walls that usually mean safety and solace. For a typically positive person who has no trouble holding back their anger, I became something I can't stand this week, an angry man. I resented the situation we were put in. I resented that it was brought upon us by no wrong doing of our own. That resentment grew,  blossoming into something ugly and grotesque. It eventually became hate, pure, unadulterated hate for someone I did not know from Adam. This hate pushed me to a dark place, a place I'm not used to going, where everyone and everything annoyed me. I lashed out at friends, at family. I went to bed a few nights clinching my fists. I felt helpless.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of sadness that seemed to come from nowhere, just a pit of exhausted rage that had faded to solemn regret. There's a Metallica song titled "Wasting My Hate". I think that's what happened. I hated someone so hard that it died. It went from hate to mild indifference. I went from "I hope you get hit by a car" to "I don't care if you get hit by a car". I'm working, as I type this, to get to "I hope you almost get hit by a car and it teaches you a lesson". I realized that hating this person did not make me feel better. It made me feel worse. It made me resentful when I should feel thankful, thankful' for badass parents that raised me well, for excellent friends that have been there for me, thankful for my amazing, incredible wife who has stood by me and given me so much to be joyful about. I began to feel sorry for this person, for whatever befell them prior to this situation that has made them so selfish and delirious. They have a story too, a story I don't know. It scares me to think their place in life is a direct result of someones down fall or issue. That makes me realize that, as much as I want to be angry, I have to see things from another lens. I have to assume that their selfishness is not self taught but learned. I have to forgive them a little bit....for my sake.

I'm not telling you this is easy. It's tough. There's no part of me that likes this person. I still want to see them taught a lesson, to see them pay for the damage they've done. But I no longer want it to ruin them, to destroy their life. I've found myself hoping that, through this, maybe they see their attitude, their disease of the mind, for what it is. I've found myself hoping they get their life together and find something worth living for. I really do.

So yes I have hated and no, it didn't win out over love.

From here, I just want this ordeal to be over. I just want peace.