What I'd Love To Say......But Can't

Every day I type out a new blog...and every day it goes to the drafts section, or "print purgatory" as I call it. The problem is not that each post isn't worthy of your eyes and thoughts. That's not it at all. The issue is honesty hurts. And, for all of my existential flaws and personal shortcomings, I am, at the end of the day, a fairly honest guy. I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I attempt to dial back my aggressive tendencies as a writer. I try. I try. I try.

And that's why there are thirty unpublished, almost fully written blog posts you will never read just sitting in my computer alone. I'm kind of ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I can't be as honest as I want to be. I'm ashamed that my opinions are so controversial, it could start a heated debate with friends and maybe even family.

But man, do I wanna unload. I've got a volley of tirades, of critical analysis just waiting to be devoured. Yet something cordial within me keeps them at arms length. Thanks to where I live (that's changing hella soon) and what the popular opinion is, I feel the need to be a little less of a soap boxer. I feel the need to respect differences a little more.

What's sad about that is, this MY blog. This is the one place where I should be able to sound off. You actually have to seek this blog out to actually read it. I mean, hell, its called "As I See It". You should know what you're getting into.

I don't know, guys. Part of me is considering letting fur fly. I am strongly considering posting all thirty articles. I really am. So, if you're afraid of the unknown. If you think you like me, be prepared to get blindsided. I am not in the business of conformity.

Alas, time will tell.

Until then,
embody love.

What I Believe.........

I have touched on my faith here before. I explained why, in such a cruel, crazy, beautiful world, I could have it. I'm not a preachy person by any means. I don't expect everyone to believe what it is I believe.

However, I had a friend of mine the other day ask me to explain my faith in a simple way. He said that people always explain what they believe to him in complicated terms. For that reason, I decided, in a very non-preachy way, I should explain the basis of my faith in simple, easy to understand terms for the curious.

I had prepared a four paragraph explanation of it. I was actually quite proud of it if I do say so myself. But, then I was listening to some tunes, mostly Metallica and some Springsteen, when a Rich Mullins song came on. If you don't know who that is, don't worry. He never got the respect he deserved and consequently isn't as celebrated as he should be. Mainstream Christians thought he asked too many questions. I, as someone who hates the insipid nature of most Christian music, have been a fan now for sometime, mostly because his songs were so honest, so raw and real. Anyway (I tend to ramble ), a song of his came on just as I was about to publish my blog on Christianity. The song is called "Creed".

It just so happens that this terrific song wonderfully encapsulates everything I believe....and very much in order. So, instead of boring you with my pretentious explanation, here are the lyrics to "Creed". This is 100% what I believe with all my heart and soul. This is my life:

I believe in God the Father almighty
Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ
His only begotten Son, our Lord
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontius Pilate
He was crucified and dead and buried


And I believe what I believe
Is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not
The invention of any man

I believe that He who suffered
Was crucified, buried, and dead
He descended into hell and
On the third day, rose again
He ascended into Heaven where
He sits at God's mighty right hand
I believe that He's returning to
Judge the quick and the dead
Of the sons of men


I believe it, I believe it
I believe it
I believe it, I believe it

I believe in God the Father almighty
Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son,
Our Lord
I believe in the Holy Spirit
One Holy Church, the communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sin
I believe in the resurrection
I believe in a life that never ends



I believe it, I believe
I believe it, I believe
I believe it, I believe it



(I should probably note that Rich Mullins disliked fame, gave most of his earnings to the poor, and lived out his last days on a Navajo reservation. He died in a tragic car crash in 1997. He was a humble, honest man...and his incredible words live on.)

This post was not meant to "shove Jesus" down your throat. I'd be doing you a disservice if I claimed this blog to be from the heart and never opened up a bit about my faith. It's what I believe, what's kept me going all these years. And honestly, it took realizing how adult and violent the Bible really is, not a bunch of happy go lucky advice, to really appreciate it growing up. I was blessed to have some interesting and "out of the box" people help me along. That's why I tend to be a little weary of mainstream Christianity, of marketing Jesus. To me, it has to be a little more raw and visceral than its made out to be. Anyway, peace out.

What Is Love?

The following was written at 4am, aided by a Red Bull, Kristofferson playing on the stereo and my usual late night epiphanies that seem so half baked in the morning.....


Love is something that science cannot decipher. It's something psychoanalysis can't understand even after hours of chair time. Love is not a feeling, not some emotional connection. If it were, we'd be screwed, really screwed. Our emotions are some of the most untrustworthy aspects of who are. They want us to do this, but they hate us later for doing it. They beg us for that but later say they were just kidding. With love, emotions can't be the fuel for our fire. They just can't. Love is deeper, darker and more passionate than that.


I was sitting on the couch today, still tired from working literally all night the previous evening. My fiance called me on the phone. This is our normal routine. She calls me when she gets off work to see how I am, just to check in and say she loves me. She does it like clock work. It occured to me that she doesn't just do this because she feels like it. There's no way she always feels like calling me after talking to a classroom full of kids for eight hours. The last thing I wanna do after working all day is talk more. I wanna come home and veg out on the couch with a Mountain Dew and play Red Dead Redemption. But, nevertheless, she always calls me when she gets off. I realized after thinking about it for a minute that her calling me no matter what is a perfect example of what love really is. It's being compassionate and caring and sweet even when you want to be cranky and pissy and sarcastic. And that means the world to me. My ritual has been, for some time, to make sure I periodically tell her she means the world to me, that she's the best thing that ever happened to me and that my love is unconditional. I do this a few times a week randomly....just so she knows.


I always want her to know that my love for her is one of the few things in life that keeps me grounded. In seven years, she's taught me so much about compassion and honesty. She's done this through basic communication. It's in the finer details, the simpler things you do. The person you love notices these things. They latch on to your quirks and your weirdness and love you all the more for it. I don't need Dr. Phil to tell me that. You don't either. The key, if you're asking me, to a good relationship, is defining what love is and what it isn't. Love isn't egotisitical or selfish or domineering. It's patient and kind and honest and real. It takes time and dedication and a willingness to grow. Most of all, I think it takes ignoring the impulse to be impatient or egotistical or domineering. Do we all give into this impulse from time to time? Of course we do. In truth, how we handle the ramifications of our occasional shortcomings set us apart as well. Understanding and fulfilling another person on multiple levels takes time and effort. It takes pursuing the goals you share, planning your lives accordingly and sacrificing your wants when its needed. It also means that you make this person your number one priority. All of the things you used to do for you...they're gone. You're now doing them for two. Act accordingly...make the phone call, express yourself, etc. Be love embodied.


Anyway, that's just an observation. I don't think it explains the vast complexities of love, but I think it emphasizes the power and beauty of it. I'm happy I have a love that is not based on momentary emotions or ideas. I have relationship based on my full dedication to another human being, someone who has grounded me, energized me, challenged me and saved me. Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, nothing is conditional. Conditions mean you're not committed. A true loyalty means you're there in the best of times and the worst, all too often the same all at once.

Be love,

Max

The Secret To Life.......

There have been a lot of people claiming to know the secret to life, that magic process of cultivating what might one day be dubbed a life well lived. Some of them have, I think, gotten close to the heart of the matter. Others have made money off impressionable people who took their "advice". Depending on what faith you claim, the secret to life is obviously very different.

But, there is something most faiths have in common, a shared "secret" that really isn't so secret after all. In fact, its really more of an idea that gets ignored because it requires self sacrifice. And God forbid we sacrifice anything for the greater good of humanity. It truly is a fool proof method for getting what you want, assuming what you want is to be happy.

So what is it? What is this wonderful "secret"?

It starts with identifying the people around you, who they are, what they do, what they believe and how they think. Once you've figured that out, you have to figure out what it is that person most desires in the world, their ultimate goal or dream. What do they want? Is it good for them? Can you help, even in a small way?

If the answers yes, do something to help that person get what it is they want. Forget about yourself. Devote some time to helping people, learning from them as you go along, taking stock of whats important and what is not. See how they react to forward movement in their lives. Comprehend their struggles, their victories. See what you have in common, what you share.

Then take all this and apply it to yourself. Ask yourself if what you want is what you need, if its good for you. If the answer is still yes, devote yourself to the ideal. Go for broke, fight the good fight.

If its not, play video games.

(The idea is that less focus on self helps us decide what really matters after all...aka "what I want" vs "what I need". They can be the same, but often they are not.)