I have been seeking the best vantage point for my entire young life, a place from which to survey my existence in the most logical and orderly fashion. Sometimes, whether I know it or not, I stand in a position of question, of where the road leads next. You walk many a road in your life, variations of the same basic scenery, the turns and occasional bumps articulated to the precise moment in time you are passing through, transcendental blues intact. The mask I wear these days is not quite one of Irish fatalism. I'm not that brave. It's one of decisive rumination, of changing tides and open doors. It fits, if only for a moment, so that I may see where I tread just a trite more carefully. Soon, it will come off..and I can breathe again.
For the last six months, I have been planning the next stage of my life. It has been interesting, exhausting, awkward and intensely motivating. I have spent more time in conversation with myself than ever before, more time in deep, concentrated thought than I have ever, in my life, wanted to. Change is something we all find to be both tempting and horrifying, at once because it carries a promise of new beginnings and, at the same time, means leaving certain things behind. I have always been a proponent of change if it means possibilities arise different from the ones already available.
In my case, and the case of a coincidental number of good friends, it seems such a change has come along, different for each of us but holding in its core a unifying idea...that nothing can ever be the same. That scared me. Sameness equals comfort...comfort equals lack of worry..and lack of worry equals I'm enjoying my life with no barriers. This is isn't a change of comfort. It's a change of necessity, a change of pace, of direction. It's everything I truly desire and yet its only a migratory step in the right direction.
That first step puts me at odds with everything I have ever known, all the familiarity in the world. It means, for once, I am, in many ways, on my own. I'm not alone in the physical sense or really the emotional sense. I get married, happily and ecstatically, in a little over two months. But in my soul, where these decisions are forged like steel, there is a rebel heart, a man apart from all that has sheltered him. In that way, I am on my own, my own judge, my own worst enemy. It's all a big mess of titles I can carry under the "OWN" banner.
And damn it, its hard. It's harder than I think anyone could imagine to make these decisions, to suddenly take the risks to get to where I want to be in life. And there's nothing pretentious, selfish or egotistical about it....nothing. If I don't make this change, face these hurdles, my career ambitions, life goals and dreams stagnate. Then I am left, for the rest of my waking days, with what could have been. That's totally unacceptable to me.
I want something very badly. I feel, with no airs about it, that I have a talent worth fighting for. And, for all the risks and potholes and the ever annoying "what ifs", I can honestly say I am confident in my heart and soul that I won't regret where the road leads. So, with some vagueness to my post, I say, soon the West stands a chance of being won...and this pathetic redneck is considering his method of take down.
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